Today I begin a brand new sound proof beginning.
1. Sometimes silence really is golden. I'm sorry I ever said anything--sorry I ever gave up on acting, but I just can't take it anymore. There's always that hope that somewhere, somehow, someone will actually noticing without you having to break---but after a while, when they don't, you just don't know what to do---and really you're just completely lost and helpless, and... I don't even know...
2. No one will ever be as important to me as him--no one will ever understand the way he did. And that alone will keep him with me for the rest of my life if I can't escape this. And while I say that, I'm not so sure I want to escape---I'm not so sure if I want to become one of the people I hate any more than I already must endure as far as being human. But I can't handle everything as well as him---and as I say that---I really wonder if he was ever as strong as I believe he was, or if it was simply my spin on our world because I needed someone like me to be strong to prove that it was possible, or maybe I just needed someone to hold on to. But in the end, I couldn't even alter myself to keep him--I could only surrender the sanctuary of his company in distant and comforting fantasies. People don't normally get more than one chance---and I'll never stop wondering why I got mine or regretting how I threw it away.
3. This journal may have been my only haven for sanity throughout my life----and it has taken me so long to remember the third--and coincidentally the one that ignited this entry--that I have no words to particularly elaborate this third realization. Perhaps it should be taken as is..
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to see him there.
.
.
.
.
Even if I am over anything.
.
.
.
.
Even if I am over anything.
It's much easier to mellow out when you're brought face to face with how small and insignificant you are..
I've discovered today that there is more to my interest than mere intelligence--it must be a certain type of intelligence that draws my attention. For today I spent an hour in the company of Chris, perhaps the most intellectual person attending MCC, and our topics were quite varied, from literary to political talks. Nothing was fairly intense, but nonetheless far more intelligent in discussion than would have derived from any other member on campus that I have come across. Yet, despite this, I still found myself hardly listening. Often times, as I often do, I would fail to hear what it was he was saying and merely offered up the appropriate filler words to encourage him to continue. I rarely ever listen to a person in his or her entirety, and it is terrible to admit, but it is true. I can not help but zone out as people talk--and the problem is not entirely a lack of interest, though in some instances that certainly isn't a helping factor.
But it's different with him. With him I never zone out. And above this simple observation, I can offer nothing else in words. Perhaps I'll be able to edit this entry one day so as to better define this evident difference. Throughout the day I have only managed to come to one conclusion on the matter, and it is hardly all encompassing, so I hope to expand upon it in the future.
There's more to intelligence than simply knowing.
But it's different with him. With him I never zone out. And above this simple observation, I can offer nothing else in words. Perhaps I'll be able to edit this entry one day so as to better define this evident difference. Throughout the day I have only managed to come to one conclusion on the matter, and it is hardly all encompassing, so I hope to expand upon it in the future.
There's more to intelligence than simply knowing.
Why is everything so inverted--leave me alone. Every incoming message is but a disappointment after seeing just who it is from...
I wish I could tell you everything about myself--
but I know that is not possible.
In reality, you wouldn't believe me,
you'd hate me..
and so many other things.
but I know that is not possible.
In reality, you wouldn't believe me,
you'd hate me..
and so many other things.
And just when you thought it was all over...
Ugh.
Apparently some things never change at all. And I'm not sure how I feel about it...
And the racing answers all, I suppose. It'll never mean anything, but it still made me smile--even when it shouldn't have..
.Ugh.
Apparently some things never change at all. And I'm not sure how I feel about it...
And the racing answers all, I suppose. It'll never mean anything, but it still made me smile--even when it shouldn't have..
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we’re alright
But we’re alright
We’re alright
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive
Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And sometimes I forget
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
Burning all the meaningless words of tomorrow meaninglessly and without feeling. So it does seem...
I've never regretted not killing myself as much as I do tonight. And maybe admitting to the fact that I truly wish I did will help me get over it. If only I had a gun everything could be different.
"Hey you feeling better"
":Just making sure your alright :)"
Thank you Ana.
Thank you Tasha.
Thank you Chica.
Sorry I worried you--it meant a lot just asking.
":Just making sure your alright :)"
Thank you Ana.
Thank you Tasha.
Thank you Chica.
Sorry I worried you--it meant a lot just asking.
"Well than don't bother texting or calling me anymore."
Glad I finally know how you really feel... and I didn't think it would bother me so much that you really hated me--or didn't care less that I hated you. I'm not sure which is worse--but I guess parents don't unconditionally love their children.
Thanks a lot Dad.
Glad I finally know how you really feel... and I didn't think it would bother me so much that you really hated me--or didn't care less that I hated you. I'm not sure which is worse--but I guess parents don't unconditionally love their children.
Thanks a lot Dad.
And thanks for wanting me and Val around for Christmas too--you're such a fucking bastard. Whether I show up or now, I'm going to make sure your family knows the bullshit you've been pulling. You're whole fucking apology means absolutely nothing after what I was told today.
Dad--where ever you are tonight. I was I could tell you that today was the last straw. You don't exist to me any more. How could you do something like that...
Rest in Peace
Joe Kunigonis
Joe Kunigonis
When you're graded on your participation in discussion and contribution of ideas... and your ideas are unacceptable to society.. what are you supposed to do?
Apparently Communism is bad--but you can't expect me to argue for something I don't believe in.
Apparently Communism is bad--but you can't expect me to argue for something I don't believe in.
I don't know what's what anymore. I don't understand what it actually means to be a person.
[Truth is merely subjective, right?]
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